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Eventually, my father remarried and the whole thing came to a halt. My "friend" Charlotte disappeared and I experienced a strange combination of relief and grief.

Despite how horrible it was, I lost something when my father stopped being sexual with me. I felt like I lost his attention, his affection and his adoration. Those feelings, wrapped up so tightly in those interactions with him, had become my world, and suddenly that stopped.

It traumatized me in all new ways. The abuse stopped when I was 9, and I became a voracious masturbator. I longed to relive the sensation that had grabbed me between the legs and had felt so good. I would lie on my stomach and rub around the outside of my vagina until I came.

Sometimes I used the stream of water from the bathtub spigot. My father once walked in on me taking a bath and masturbating in that way, and he didn't say a word about it. When I was 12, my girlfriends and I sneaked in to see "An Officer and a Gentleman," a movie that explicitly depicts Debra Winger and Richard Gere having sex. It was the first sexual encounter I had ever seen outside of my father's bed, and it was tremendously erotic for me. Soon after that, I developed an after-school routine that involved putting on my mother's fanciest dress, shoving her diaphragm into my year-old vagina and masturbating until I came, pretending that it was Richard Gere rubbing my genitals.

Or I'd imagine that it was an older boy, Jack, who was a friend of my family. Jack owns a car dealership; last year I bought a car from him, and he had no idea that it is painful for me to see him. He has no idea that he helped give me a sexual fix that I needed to hold my fragile sense of self together.

He has no idea how difficult it is to be reminded of the desperate, sexualized child I was. I was desperate, and needy. I rarely saw my dad, and when I did he was cold and dispassionate. He didn't treat me the same way, and I wasn't his No. I no longer held his attention, and I was no longer his obsession.

I felt that I'd lost his love. Around the same time, I initiated a phone sex relationship with Mr. Bernard, the neighborhood "perv. I don't know how we kids knew he was a "perv" -- it was just common knowledge, information passed along, as many things were, by the older, wiser sisters of my peers.

My friend Kathy's parents used to tell us, "Oh, leave him alone, he's just an old alcoholic man. At slumber parties, we would crank call him and scream "You're a perv! But at home, alone in the afternoons, I called him and struck up a twisted kind of friendship with him. On the phone, I called him Chris, and the name I used when I talked to him was Susan. We'd talk, Chris and "Susan," and he'd drink.

I'm now certain that as we conversed he'd slowly get drunk. Eventually, we'd get to the phone sex. He'd masturbate, and describe to me what he was doing. He'd tell me, "I'm touching him, he's happy" and he'd come. He'd say, "Yes, yes, oh yes, baby" -- and I'd be rubbing my vagina the whole time. After we'd get off the phone I'd masturbate to orgasm.

It was a habit I kept for a long time after those days -- I'd make myself come but not in the presence of others. It was like a vestige of Daddy; for a long, long time, only Daddy would make me come. Chris gave me a lot: He replaced my father as the man who kept me front and center in his gaze, something I so desperately needed.

But here's the catch, something I didn't think about until recently. How did the girls know? How had this rumor managed to get passed down? Who else played with Mr. My relationship with Mr. Bernard tortured me and added to my feeling of shame.

It enabled me to tell myself that I really was bad at my core because only bad girls would be doing what I was doing. My mom and I moved when I turned 13, into a new house where my father had never touched me and would never have the chance. I began sleeping in my own bed immediately, and I gave up my relationship with Mr.

Bernard shortly thereafter. I had developed something of a relationship with a real boy, Jeff, a kid in the new neighborhood. Jeff would beg me to let him kiss and touch me, and I would tell him no. That expression of my power made me feel great. Here someone was sexually focused on me, which made me feel alive. But at the same time, I was able to prove to myself that I wasn't an awful person because I didn't let him do things to me.

As an added bonus, I had the opportunity to reject unwanted sexual advances, something I was never able to do with Dad. Some of the hardest times in life never completely end, and this was just the beginning of a long process -- unhealthy, complicated and, of course, unsuccessful by definition -- of using men to give me what Daddy had given me when I was so young and impressionable.

I had been promiscuous. I had gone out of my way to make sure that my lovers thought I was a talented sexual partner. During my adolescence and all through my 20s I accommodated men sexually as a way of getting attention, as a way to feed my emotional needs: "He loves to have sex with me, that must mean I'm special. It made me feel whole, complete, energized. But the sex itself wasn't necessarily enjoyable for me.

I wanted the sex, no doubt, but I also used it to keep feeling ashamed. I was casual and cavalier about having sex, refused to take it seriously -- and as a result ended up feeling awful about some of the sexual choices I made. I was eager to replicate both the good and the bad feelings that had come from the abuse, without even realizing it.

It would take me a long time and a lot of unraveling the lessons of my childhood to see sex as something I could enjoy, choose, participate in joyfully. To want it, not need it. To learn that sex didn't have to feel bad to be good. Even now I am careful to think through my sexual motives and actions to make sure that what I'm trying to "get" from sex isn't shame, isn't obsession. Though the abuse itself ended long ago, the impact is everlasting.

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